I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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