I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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