I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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