we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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