i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
