looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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