Pappa wants mamma naked
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
