if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
