You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
