Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
