and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
