Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
