why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
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