Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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