Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
