The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
