we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
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