Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Randomize
