You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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