I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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