I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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