How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
