I think I just saw someone hide a body.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
