I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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