I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I just blew my weed a kiss
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
