Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
