I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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