You smell like a Billy Joel song
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
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