Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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