No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
It's never too late to be topless.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
