I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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