I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
