Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
