I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize