My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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