Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
