don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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