Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
