Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
