god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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