I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
