90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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