Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
