Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
