The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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