you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
