Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
