I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
