My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Im part way to drunk.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
