And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Randomize