she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
