At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
