New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
