what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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