dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
I just googled if crying burns calories
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
