Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
