are you still at the devil's house?
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
