I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
